re-gaining the plot when falling off the wagon.
the life of an artist you know, not believing in oneself. then *DING!* the light bulb appears and you remember "I'm that BITCH."
Why hello! My dear ones. It’s been quite some time since I have shared my heart with you all. It’s been a wild ride. I’m in my senior year of undergrad! Yipee! So much has happened since August when school started. I have just been super busy with projects, homework, I was a dramaturg in a show Clydes by Lynn Nottage. That was super duper fun! I was able to realize that I actually enjoyed that a lot and would love to do that for another show. With that, this semester has been taking me for a ride. I have woken up feeling less motivated to participate in school, not knowing what the hell is going on, doing shit last minute, trying to keep things together because I am also apart of a school club Organization of Africana Studies, and just yapping away! Alongside of that, I’ve been wanting to be OUTSIDE LOLLYGAGGING. I' began to have so much FOMO with a lot of my friends heavily participating in night life, going on dates, getting boo’d up, going to kink events etc. In my head I’m like I’d rather be doing that then being in school. As y’all can see my mind as just been clouded the hell up. I have just been focused on so many things that is not about what I’m currently doing. At a point in my experience of working this play, I had thought Why am I doing this? Right when those thoughts came to me, I journaled why I’m an actor and why I do what I do. That entry I believe ended up being almost 7 pages long. I had to really clear my head because doubt started to trickle in. After writing it, I felt so at ease with everything. I was like YEAH. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. I’ve been juggling with discipline as well as a performer. Y’ALLLLLLL. I am not used to staying up and losing sleep to memorize lines, studying etc. I was not that type of student. I was very much a I’ll memorize this shit over night and give it what I got the next day. I’m at a point in my journey where I’m heavily realizing I CANNOT move that way anymore. I need to take myself so much more seriously. There’s sacrifice in all of this. I wanted this. I dreamed of this.
I’m now in a play (I was cast) in Sweat by Lynn Nottage. I’m playing the role of Cynthia. She honestly was a dream role of mine and I’m so blessed to have been casted as her. I’m in a play, memorizing a Shakespeare sonnet, memorizing 2 monologues and a scene. It’s been really tough to juggle and I’m trying things out right now. I journaled tonight (October 26, 2025) and I had to really be real with myself. (Not in a shameful way) That I need to get it the fuck together. I am focusing on the wrong things and not myself and what’s in front of me. MY CRAFT AND MY SPIRIT. I have been wanting distractions and all those things that I had been wanting to grasp is just not going to add to my life currently right now and that’s okay. I am at a place of just accepting that. It’s been hard as hell to really reframe that because I felt like I was fighting against myself and it just got tiring. I just am fed up with self loathing and complaining. Old patterns resurfacing of people pleasing and wanting someone I can’t have. Chile. But I am realizing that I have not been thinking bigger about my dreams and what my reality can be outside of here. Like I’m graduating Spring ‘27. Next year will be here in 3 months! I gotta be making them moves for myself to succeed and really believe that I am who others see me as but for myself. Not for external validation or outside noise but really BELIEVE that I am a star. I am deserving of a beautiful life. I have everything I need in more. Everything coming back to me 10 fold. I am on my path. I release my need to control. I release not trusting my guides and universe on what they have planned for me on the other side. None of this is supposed to be easy. Doing the work isn’t easy, locking in isn’t easy but it shall be worth it in the end. My hard work truly goes unnoticed. I’m powerful. I was losing the plot but I’m just gonna start over. Do what I have to do and do it well.
I’m THAT BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTCHHHHHHHHHHH.
fin.
My heart spilled,
xoxo, Monaliese-Rose
I feel you sooo heavy on the need to lock in and reconnect with myself 😭 October got me feeling lost and losing touch with who I am! I was thinking that it would be helpful to write down ways to bring me back to myself when I feel like I’m falling into the abyss.
congrats on ur last year! great read :)